A few nights ago he appeared in my dream. My family had given away my lost doggy Sand, (I never actually got over it, still cry when I think about him lost and alone, probably dead now by a stupid truck!!!!) and I was so angry and upset. I coudln't stop crying in my dream, it was like Sand was a vital part of my existance and I was so wrought with longing until eventually all the anger melted away. My dream became hazy, it is always hazy when I dream about him. Then he came and all I felt was sadness, he walked by and sat beside me in a chair and simply asked, "Do you miss me?" in his softest voice. I don't think I even turned to see his face, I just knew it was him, and I replied, "I do," and then I woke up.

And now my heart aches because I won't be able to ever find him again in this world...

I haven't had much motivation lately to write although I've been meaning to fill my blog for some time now. I guess I've finally gotten to the point where I have no where else to turn, I don't want to drag anyone under with my pessimism, yet I can't bare to keep all my wondering thoughts in. It's just like drowning with no one but my enemies around, can I really risk my last gulp of air [to scream for help] in hopes that someone will jump in after me? It's not that I see those around me as foes, but in the same respect, I can't betray my emotions, the dept of my despair, for them to witness. In a more positive world they would have taken advantage of my weakness and swoop to my rescue, but this time it's different, they'll just stand and watch--as they have been doing. Perhaps that is what I fear most, that even pity can't save me now.

It seems that I have my life backwards. The people who are closest to me are the ones I have to hide from. I have always been a very lonesome figure. It's nice to have company, and I am that much more completed when I do, but being alone has never been an issue for me. I think in many ways I am content with lonliness because I am erratically emotional, never lingering on one for too long. When in the face of hopelessness, I always manage to find my light. I can't say it's the same when in the company of others, it becomes impossibly harder. Other people's emotions and thoughts easily inflences mine's. My life could die on the edge of someone's word, and be brought back on the next. I absorb what people feel and it changes my whole perception. Lately these people have been nothing but strings of negative energy, hacking into the core of my being. Having them whisper my failures down my back everytime some thing else goes wrong doesn't exactly give me room to breath. It's so hard to focus on the good things and to feel happy or motivated enough to get up and make every day useful when all I can feel is their disappointment and hostility. I already feel disappointed enough. It's like every light I find, they manage to block.

How did I get to this point? The eminent question wavers in the air each and every night, tugging at me to make some peace with it. Nothing is quite a surprise anymore, you live, you learn, you accept things, and if you can't, you challenge them knowing full and well that your efforts may be in vain. My efforts have been in vain; the other night I cried about it, but I wasn't overwrought with sadness, I was simply disappointed.

I've been in love with a married man--and sometimes I want to believe that for a time, or in some way, he loved me too. (I want to believe that he still does.) I've known him for five years, he's been married for four years, and I've known about his marriage for two and a half years. Clearly there were things that he kept from me, but none of that matters anymore, in the end, I promptly accepted it.

And now I am prompted to accept the end as well. It has eluded me for so long that before I knew it, I had reached the end of the chapter before I found an empty page to write on. The final words haven't been exchanged to confirm the parting, but enough has been said for me to prepare. More than anything, I feel apart of me has broken away, and even though I've always been incomplete, I'm less completed, if that makes sense to you. So how did I get to this point? Perhaps a strong determination to chance it all, to stake out my heart and hope...but nothing is a surprise anymore.